Thoughts from the hot seat!

Stepping out of the Shower

Epiphany: a sudden striking understanding of something.

Let's just say that I had several yesterday. Epiphanies rained down on me like clear water from a cloudy sky! And what amazes me most, is that they always seem to come paired with moments when I feel completely lost and overwhelmed.

I had revelations about myself in the shower. About the core of who I am, and about how truly out of control I feel sometimes. I want to take my own power back and I am so very glad that I forced myself to do something I really didn't want to do.

One of the greatest epiphanies of my life seems to be that everytime I push past some barrier I have set up inside of myself...I find something new, unexpected...something that empowers me, strengthens me and puts my feet back on flat ground.

As I climbed the stairs of my friends' home yesterday, her husband confessed to being very nervous. I found myself patting his arm and saying "it will be fine". We went into the room where the lighting was best for taking the pictures and shut the door. Then they both talked about how hard it would be for them to do this and how nervous they were. I found that I was suddenly in the exact opposite position I found myself in only hours before. I was comforting and reassuring them. Explaining how I understood completely, as I was very self conscious about my own body...but that we are all much harder on ourselves than we'd ever be on each other. And with that...a light went off in my head.

It didn't matter that I think my friends are beautiful. It didn't matter that I felt I didn't measure up to that beauty and that I lament my body's descent into middle age. Because here they were, talking about themselves the way I talk about my own self. His wife addressed me, "remember when we were young and hot? But we didn't know it and we thought we were fat?"

I laughed. Yes, I remember clearly the beautiful body I'd had as a teenager and young adult. But I'd covered it up in huge t-shirts because I was ashamed of how "fat" I imagined I was. We all laughed together reminiscing about it...and it occurred to me that when I'm sixty, I'll probably be thinking the same thing about the body I had at 40. What a funny bunch we humans are.

So the tension melted away...and as they disrobed, I found myself lost in the artistic splendor and beauty of a pregnant woman. The beauty of a couple who love one another and love the new life coming into their world. I found tears stinging my eyes just slightly...but this time they were tears of warmth, understanding, and joy. I felt privelaged that I had been allowed to share a special moment in their lives and very proud of them for fighting their own inhibitions to do something that will no doubt forever be a cherished memory.